THE TEACHER
by K. Jeffery Petersen

I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam-I-Am


Yes, Billy, I’ll read you a story in just a moment. Be 
patient. If you aren’t, I might make you a patient.

Ha-ha. Great wit, you see, children? I’m funny. But you 
probably wouldn’t get it.

Arthur! What have I told you about standing on the 
desks? They aren’t diving boards. Maybe, just once, I’ll let 
you find that out for yourself.

No, Sally, I don’t know when your father is coming 
back. He’s fighting a war, you see, over in the middle east.

Why? Because his country told him to. Understand that 
there’s a lot of religious fanatics in charge right now, if 
they think this war is important for our immortal souls, 
then, by God, our military is going to fight in it.

Hey, Jenny, why are you crying? You miss your daddy? 
Sally misses her daddy, too, why don’t you go talk with her?


Sam-I-Am get out of here
If you come back, bring me a beer


Billy, just a moment and I will read you a story. Can’t 
you see I’m very busy? No, of course not. You’re one of 
America’s gifted youth. Think of yourself taken to the 
extreme.

What are you doing, Jimmy? Drawing an elephant? Because 
your daddy rides one? Yes, I’m sure that an elephant is 
quite safe to ride. Maybe when he gets home, he’ll show it 
to you. If he comes home outside a body-bag.

Sally, why is Jenny crying again? No, Sally, I’m not 
Jenny’s daddy. Yes, she has a daddy, everyone does. Go 
apologize to her. Maybe if you get her angry enough, she’ll 
hit you and you’ll shut up.

You have a question, David? Is there a God? I don’t 
know, but if you believe those kooks in Washington, not only 
is there a God, if you don’t castrate yourself in a foreign 
desert for him, you’re going to hell. Hey, do you think that 
the people who have to fight there think that hell could be 
any worse?

Arthur, chairs have four legs for a reason. They’re all 
supposed to be in contact with the ground. Keep leaning 
back, kid, you might tip over and crack that empty head of 
yours.

Something else is wrong, Jenny? No, I’m sorry, but I 
can’t bring your daddy back right now. You want a hug from 
him? I think your mommy can help you, there, mommies are 
good for that. I think maybe I should find a mommy to give 
me a hug.


Sam-I-Am just shut your trap
I don’t want fucking green eggs and crap


Billy, please be patient. Can’t you read it yourself? 
No, of course not, your daddy always reads to you, and he’s 
not around. Sit down, and I’ll be with you as soon as 
possible. I think I’ll have to schedule a parent-teacher 
meeting with your mommy; a private one.

Arthur, why are you crumpling paper? Nevermind, if 
you’re doing that, you won’t kill yourself. Unless, God 
willing, you get a papercut or something.

Sally, what? Yes, school will be over soon. No, I don’t 
know if your daddy will be home. If he’s not maybe I’ll go 
talk to your mommy.

Is Jenny crying again? Poor kid, always the last to 
leave. Hell, why wait for a mom, I could go for some one-on-
one tutoring with this one.

Billy, what? I thought I told you to sit down and wait. 
What’s on the news? Demons broke the breach, war spreading 
across south Europe. Entering Italy already.

No, children, I think it’s going to be alright. Your 
daddies should be fine. They should be along to save us at 
any time.

Yes, I think we can have a group hug. Hold tight, 
children.


Sam-I-Am you should just run away
Sell green eggs and ham some other day